Wherever I may roam…

Pardon me, whilst I exorcise some demons. I thought I took care of them years ago. This is what comes of listening to music alone at midnight. -RagDoll

 

Wherever I may roam
-Metallica

My memories are long winding roads that have been etched into my mind. They glisten. They beckon. They are all that I have left to call my own. You think that I’ve wandered these roads for so long, I can’t remember my way home? You’re wrong. I’ve wandered so long that I have found my way home. I don’t belong here. You say I should be able to snap myself back to reality, but I can’t. I won’t. It’s not my reality. It’s yours.

…And the road becomes my bride
I have stripped of all but pride
so in her I do confide
and she keeps me satisfied
gives me all I need

It’s so easy to be happy when all the comfort I need is so close. So accessible. I can enter my own realm whenever I choose. My memories are all I need. All I have! I don’t need therapy. I don’t need to be here, staring out onto the rainy city skyline as you sit there pretending to care. Pretending to understand. It’s OK. I’m used to the lies. You needn’t look so shocked. I’ve known what you have been up to for months.

…And with dust in throat I crave
only knowledge will I save
to the game you stay a slave
rover wanderer
nomad vagabond
call me what you will

You’re delusional if you think that for a minute I will bend to your will, and continue to play your wicked game. What is it you want me to tell you? That I forgive you? That I’ll be whoever you want me to be? That I’ll say whatever you want me to say? Do whatever you tell me to do? I’m not the same naive child who used to idolize you. My rose colored glasses were broken a long time ago.

but I’ll take my time anywhere
free to speak my mind anywhere
and I’ll redefine anywhere
anywhere I may roam
where I lay my head is home

I don’t need your brand of security anymore. I’ve shed the oppressive skin of self doubt and uncertainty, and learned to fly on my own. I’m not dependent on you to make me whole. I can weave my own destiny, dream my own dreams, carve my own path. No, what I speak of is not nonsense. It’s the truth. Where I go, where my mind goes, is where I am at home. Your reality is a lie. A poor imitation of what is real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You can not fathom the truth, because you lack faith. You lack trust. You lack vision. You see me only as an object and nothing more.

…And the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
under wandering stars I’ve grown
by myself but not alone
I ask no one

No, we don’t need counseling. There is nothing to save. You threw it away long ago. Did you think I would not find out? Even though I’ve traveled roads you could not follow, I still knew. You were always careless. I’ve seen you sneaking around. I’ve caught snippets of conversation that were never meant for me to hear. I’ve seen the way your friends would cover for you when you told me you were working overtime. Leave me alone. Let me be. I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t loved you for a while now. I’ve only just been brave enough to admit that I failed. WE failed.

…And my ties are severed clean
the less I have the more I gain
off the beaten path I reign
rover wanderer
nomad vagabond
call me what you will

So I choose to be the one to leave, even though you were the one who neglected me. You were the one who left me to drown in your pool of self importance and need to show off. I’m not a trophy to uphold whatever image of the moment you are trying to portray. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you.

But you are right about one thing. I have not been giving you my full attention. You don’t deserve it. Escapism has been my salvation. I roam. I wander. You have never been able to control my real self. Don’t you see? My memories are my therapy. I can dwell amongst the happy times whenever I choose. I can block out the cruel things you did to me. The evil things you said. I choose to dwell in my world, because I can not thrive in yours.

but I’ll take my time anywhere
I’m free to speak my mind anywhere
and I’ll never mind anywhere
anywhere I may roam
where I lay my head is home

 

You can not follow, where you are not welcome. I’ve worked too hard to keep you out. These roads are mine to travel. You chose your own path, and it did not co-exist with mine.

but I’ll take my time anywhere
free to speak my mind
and I’ll take my find anywhere
anywhere I may roam
where I lay my head is home

Leave me with what sanity I have left. Let me wander where I will, in peace.

carved upon my stone
my body lie, but still I roam
wherever I may roam

Yes, my body is just a vessel. You can not follow me. I am my own person. I don’t need your reality. I don’t need your brand of therapy. I no longer need your touch. Leave me be. Let me roam…

~ by Renee on November 3, 2005.